to my 04.16 star

[a tribute to the Sewol ferry tragedy. It’s been three years.]

[Timestamp: 04/16/2017]


It’s been so long since we met
How are you now?
Are you smiling?
Are you taking care of yourself?
Are you keeping yourself warm?
Never knew ‘3’ could mean something so inevitably long.

Don’t worry, love
I’m okay here
I’m taking care of the others
We’re trying our best to go and make it seem
As if you never really left us.
He came back to bring you luck again,
And she was careful with wherever she went,
They know how thankful you were for their guidance,
We’re trying our best to be fine
Without ever forgetting you.

Don’t worry, love
I’ll pocket all the dreams and letters
You’ve left scattered in your trail to the stars,
I’ll give them a home inside this aging body of mine
And give them back when we meet again.
I’ll keep your image and words close to my heart
Because I don’t want to forget.
I want to remember you when we meet again
Without a single wrinkle forgotten.
I’ll protect the warmth you left
To get us through this cold winter,
I’ll use it as a cloak to adorn our frail bodies
Until you come back and bring us more.

Don’t worry too much, love
And keep traveling to reach the things
Even we couldn’t reach.
And, when you find a home again
In the midst of the chaos the universe brings,
Maybe a small spot in Saturn or on the top of meteor,
Hurry back and take us with you
So that you may never have to travel again alone.
Let’s walk the galaxies together, love.
Until then,
We’ll wait for you.
I love you, my beloved.
See you again.

dreams

[Timestamp: 01/14/2017]
Did you know
That you have infiltrated
My safe haven, my space
My dreams?

Did you know
How much we’ve done 
How much we’ve sacrificed
How much we’ve spent
Just to be in each other’s arms
In a land which does not exist?

Did you know
The dread of the waters
The toxicity of the last night
The inevitable fate
Of two imaginary characters
In the reality of life?

Did you know
That I told myself
I won’t hope anymore
Over things which cannot be done
Cannot be said
Cannot be felt
Cannot be real?

insecurities

[Timestamp: 03/17/2017] 
I am charismatic,
Friendly,
Amiable,
Everybody’s friend.
But, it seems that
I will only always be
The shoulder to lean on,
The happy cheerleader,
The one who listens.
I will never be
The target of affection,
The one they send quiet letters and hushed confessions to,
The girl who everybody loves.
I’m sorry that I am
Very, very fat,
Not aesthetically pleasing,
Unattractive in all sense of the word,
Unconfident enough to bury my own grave,
Not the type of girl anybody wants,
Unorganized,
Thinks she is very worth it when she knows very well that she isn’t,
And can’t even love herself to the point that she’d be willing to give her meager life away just to do something worthwhile.
I’m sorry I can’t be the type of girl anybody can want.
Sometimes, I’d like to think
Since my body, my face and my personality aren’t what they find “good”,
I might as well just do something good for other people
So that, someday, maybe someone will remember me
By the small differences I wanted to change.
You don’t have to remember what I look like. 
I just hope you remember what I did.

voice

[Timestamp: 03/13/2017]
I lost my voice
For a week two months ago.
With only the ability to rasp
And whisper,
I survived the week
And asked for consideration.
Having no voice 
Made me realize
How my best asset
Wasn’t my friendliness,
Or my ability to adapt quickly.
It was my voice. 
With my voice,
I was able to reach
Even those my hands can’t touch.
With my voice, 
I was able to paint myself colorful
And give my brush to others
So that they can paint themselves
And maybe more, too.
With my voice,
I was able to protect
What mattered the most.
With my voice,
I validated my presence
I proved to myself that I am here,
In the present,
Never drifting.

내 바보

[Timestamp: 01/01/2017]

It didn’t come to me all at once
It didn’t get me completely off guard
I knew it was creeping
Inside my heart,
Slowly, hiding
Because you were the wrong person.
It didn’t feel right
To be looking into your eyes
When I’ve promised to love another.

I could imagine
The late nights with you,
Talking about how the stars contain mass we cannot comprehend,
Or how beautiful words sound, trying to describe what the eyes can only see for a fleeting moment,
Or maybe the way you’ll let me hear
The melodies you’ve made
To bring tribute to the world
That crafted us, with its careless and rough hands
Or maybe the warmth of our bodies offer to each other, a silent union,
In the middle of the night
While we confess all ours sins and anxieties
To each other,
Our fears of tomorrow and oblivion,
And reassure our co-existence, even if
Short-lived and uneventful.
Or, maybe the texts when you’ve gone far away
And my meager hands cannot reach you,
Playful bickering, hot, sticky tension, and pictures of each other,
The unspoken “I miss you” evident, even from afar,
Affectionately changing your name to “내 바보” and laughing
At the irony of your intelligence and stupidity
But feeling delighted at being the only one
Who can call you such.

I go back to the reality
Of what could be
And clench my heart in my fist
Because I cannot call you mine,
And you cannot call me yours.
We are separated
Not only by miles,
But also by worlds.
I cannot reach you,
I cannot touch you,
I cannot even say, “I love you”
내 바보한테.