Before I go to bed and get a few hours of sleep before 6am, I just want to share this here. I don’t really believe in things like these (even though I check my horoscope regularly for the fun of it haha), but this hit me so hard.
This makes me so happy, to be honest.
I have two stories to tell.
I’ve mentioned both in my introductory post and About page how I want to shift into FLCD. To be honest, this decision has been met with a lot of pressure and disappointment. My parents would pressure me to hurry and graduate quickly. My father is pretty judgemental. I think he’d even tag FLCD as an “easy” course. I am not entirely sure of my career path in medicine anymore, and I don’t know if that disappoints them. They wanted me to be a doctor. Friends and new acquaintances would ask, “Why now?”. I understand how peculiar it is to shift out when you’re only one year away from graduation.
With all of these things pressing me, I’m slowly losing confidence in the decision I made. Granted, I was happier when I stepped my foot down and finally admitted to myself that I needed to get out of my current degree, but to have only a pseudo-support by the ones you deem important is saddening. But, I’m still pushing through.
That’s why this last tarot card made me happy.
It reassured me that I wasn’t ridiculous for finally taking a decision that will make me happy in the long run. It reassured me that I had a right to pursue my dreams. It reassured me that I was a human being, capable of making mistakes but also of wonderful successes.
I’ve modeled for a classmate before. After the shoot, we talked for about an hour about our aspirations and career choices and I had explained to her why I wanted to go into FLCD rather than Elementary Education. I didn’t know it would make such a huge impact on her, and I was so touched when she said my story had inspired her. It made me really happy to be reassured that I wasn’t ridiculous for pursuing this dream.
I was okay. I am okay. I’m here. I’m real. It’s very valid that I’m finally able to be true to myself and r7n after what I really want.
I am afraid.
I am always afraid. Wtf. I keep on going on and on about how I can’t conceive, how I’m afraid of adopting and maybe finally conceiving and not giving the appropriate amount of affection to both children, how I’m afraid of choosing that one guy and committing, how I’m afraid that anyone would like me because of my stature, how I’m afraid of my vague future and how I’ll consider success, and how I’m afraid of venturing into the unknown.
When did I become so afraid of life?
My motto was, you just need to lose your mind a bit and take the step off the cliff. When did that stop?
Why am I so afraid of hurting now?
What changed? Did my failures make me afraid?
How do I get out of this cycle?
A more in-depth explanation of the Estate.
Hey, so I figured I needed to do an introductory post since I just started this blog two days ago. I got too excited at the idea of this blog housing my writing to actually write this required post.
If you look at my About page, it pretty much sums up the very existence of this blog and how I’ve tried to make it seem as if this blog is my home. I do want it to be my home, and I didn’t want it to be just any blog. On my header is a photo I took when I was in Japan (I forgot the place, but it serves my purpose) to give the reader a feeling of entering some sort of grand place. I’ve modified my menus to become “wings” of the Estate and cater to the different things I want to put in this blog (The Master’s Wing = personals, etc.). I’m putting time stamps in every post because it would be nice to remember when exactly I wrote something and at what period in life I was when I wrote it.
I’m trying to be creative for any future readers or friends and for me as well. I virtually have the attention span of a goldfish, but I want to make this project work. After all, I’m putting myself out there to improve not only on my writing, but also my growth as a person.
Right. Onto personals.
I’m Erris, currently a 19-year-old undergraduate looking to shift into Family Life and Child Development in the University of the Philippines-Diliman. I wouldn’t normally be okay with giving too much personal info, but if it means getting ahead of who I am right now, I’ll take the plunge. I don’t want to expose everything about me here since you’ll be getting to read more about me and my works soon
It was nice talking to you, albeit not personally.
I am charismatic,
But, it seems that
I will only always be
The shoulder to lean on,
The happy cheerleader,
The one who listens.
I will never be
The target of affection,
The one they send quiet letters and hushed confessions to,
The girl who everybody loves.
I’m sorry that I am
Very, very fat,
Not aesthetically pleasing,
Unattractive in all sense of the word,
Unconfident enough to bury my own grave,
Not the type of girl anybody wants,
Thinks she is very worth it when she knows very well that she isn’t,
And can’t even love herself to the point that she’d be willing to give her meager life away just to do something worthwhile.
I’m sorry I can’t be the type of girl anybody can want.
Sometimes, I’d like to think
Since my body, my face and my personality aren’t what they find “good”,
I might as well just do something good for other people
So that, someday, maybe someone will remember me
By the small differences I wanted to change.
You don’t have to remember what I look like.
I just hope you remember what I did.
I lost my voice
For a week two months ago.
With only the ability to rasp
I survived the week
And asked for consideration.
Having no voice
Made me realize
How my best asset
Wasn’t my friendliness,
Or my ability to adapt quickly.
It was my voice.
With my voice,
I was able to reach
Even those my hands can’t touch.
With my voice,
I was able to paint myself colorful
And give my brush to others
So that they can paint themselves
And maybe more, too.
With my voice,
I was able to protect
What mattered the most.
With my voice,
I validated my presence
I proved to myself that I am here,
In the present,