Closure

[​timestamp: 03/01/2017]


I dreamt of you last night.

It wasn’t the usual dream

Of fleeting touches 

And hands on my hair.

Instead, it was the image

Of two people who once had been

Finally cleaning and filling in

The muddy gaps on the ground.

This was what I wanted from you

From the very start.

I didn’t want you to stay.

I wanted you to say

That the inevitanle winter has come

And that my hands aren’t enough anymore

To keep you warm.

To have woken up from such a dream

Made me happy and thankful

That you had been mine once.

Even if the puzzle was finished

Only in my dream,

I will hold onto it

To keep myself from wondering

What else might have been.

Goodbye, my four-eyed soldier

It’s been six years since

I am so glad to have met you.

Finally, 

Goodbye.

to my 04.16 star

[a tribute to the Sewol ferry tragedy. It’s been three years.]

[Timestamp: 04/16/2017]


It’s been so long since we met
How are you now?
Are you smiling?
Are you taking care of yourself?
Are you keeping yourself warm?
Never knew ‘3’ could mean something so inevitably long.

Don’t worry, love
I’m okay here
I’m taking care of the others
We’re trying our best to go and make it seem
As if you never really left us.
He came back to bring you luck again,
And she was careful with wherever she went,
They know how thankful you were for their guidance,
We’re trying our best to be fine
Without ever forgetting you.

Don’t worry, love
I’ll pocket all the dreams and letters
You’ve left scattered in your trail to the stars,
I’ll give them a home inside this aging body of mine
And give them back when we meet again.
I’ll keep your image and words close to my heart
Because I don’t want to forget.
I want to remember you when we meet again
Without a single wrinkle forgotten.
I’ll protect the warmth you left
To get us through this cold winter,
I’ll use it as a cloak to adorn our frail bodies
Until you come back and bring us more.

Don’t worry too much, love
And keep traveling to reach the things
Even we couldn’t reach.
And, when you find a home again
In the midst of the chaos the universe brings,
Maybe a small spot in Saturn or on the top of meteor,
Hurry back and take us with you
So that you may never have to travel again alone.
Let’s walk the galaxies together, love.
Until then,
We’ll wait for you.
I love you, my beloved.
See you again.

vows

Promises to keep for the person I cherish the most

[Timestamp: 04/04/2017 and 04/13/2017]
Twenty years ago, I’ve become acquainted 
With one of the most beautiful
People I’ve ever known.
I didn’t fall in love with you at first sight, though.
It was a process, a slow build-up of being acquaintances,
Then friends,
Then enemies, 
And, finally, lovers. 
Twenty years ago, I did not know I would fall in love.
We were normal strangers, the type who won’t talk to each other
If it weren’t for the circumstances we were in.
You were my polar opposite,
The Yin to my Yang.
You were the rock in the storm,
The calm in a dark room,
The construction of an award-winning essay.
I was the sunshine of messy desks,
The colors of your organized notes,
That one stuffed toy you couldn’t throw away.
To have met you,
And even have fallen in love with you
Was a miracle in itself.
But, I’m glad it happened.
Today, I vow
Even without the physicality of doe eyes to witness
Even without the tongues of praise to testify,
To value you like how I value myself,
To love you as I had loved myself,
To give you an equal who will do everything to keep you happy.
Don’t misinterpret my words, though.
I will not lay my life down for you,
I will not surrender my career and achievements to you,
I will not make you the center of my universe.
Instead, I promise
To keep you in my thoughts regularly,
To pay attention to what you need,
To treat you as a person very capable of anything even without my help,
To give you reign over your own decisions in life,
To give you strength when you need,
To admire the person you’ve become,
To support you in whatever you want to pursue,
To become your travel buddy,
To be your family,
To not be your foundation, but your decorations that continuously give attention to the beauty of who you really are.
I promise you everything I can give, myself,
To the best of my abilities,
And always remind you that
To have loved one’s self first is better than to have loved another.
You are my family, my friend, my adviser, my organizer, my manager,
And most of all,
You are me. 
I love you, and will continue to learn to love you more
Until we both tire of our adventures here
And take it to a higher plane.
I love you, my lovely self
I promise you that I shall be here
Even until the end of our days 
I love you,
I love you,
I love me.

Being Afraid

[Timestamp: 03/16/2017]

I am afraid. 


I am always afraid. Wtf. I keep on going on and on about how I can’t conceive, how I’m afraid of adopting and maybe finally conceiving and not giving the appropriate amount of affection to both children, how I’m afraid of choosing that one guy and committing, how I’m afraid that anyone would like me because of my stature, how I’m afraid of my vague future and how I’ll consider success, and how I’m afraid of venturing into the unknown.


When did I become so afraid of life?


My motto was, you just need to lose your mind a bit and take the step off the cliff. When did that stop?


Why am I so afraid of hurting now?


What changed? Did my failures make me afraid?


How do I get out of this cycle?

Five minutes

[Timestamp: 03/03/2017] [Original Prompt I thought of]

Early in your relationship, you both had agreed to have this mini “ritual” to help you in your fights. When there were disagreements, both of you had to shut up for at least five minutes and wrap yourselves in each other’s arms, even if you both wanted to punch each other in the face, before having a proper conversation about the fight. This was the only way you could think of to remind you to consider each other. Plus, the physical touch calmed you down. Almost always, your arguments were often resolved right after this “ritual”.

However, this fight was different. 

And, you were afraid this was going to be the last.

Five minutes of heavy silence had passed. Your throat was dry and hoarse from all the screaming you did earlier. You were tired. You were very, very tired. There were still so many things you wanted to say, so many things you still wanted to ask, but they couldn’t escape your mouth. Instead, you let them flood the silence, even if it wasn’t guaranteed that it would reach him. His familiar arms were wrapped around you tightly, like how he used to hold you when you would cry to A Walk to Remember, or like how he kept you from jumping so hastily without him into the water on your last summer getaway. His arms brought you so much comfort, and you couldn’t even imagine how you’d do without them. But, it seems like you’d have to soon. You’d have to become acquainted once again with the loss of this warmth, the absence of this simple gesture that kept you grounded during the late nights writing your thesis, or the assurance that you weren’t going hysterical and that being hopelessly in love with the owner of these arms was okay since you were sure he felt the same, or maybe a thousand times more. You wanted to remove them on your body the moment they wrapped around you to stop yourself from being so dependent on them, and yet you didn’t have the strength to do so. This was the last time you were ever going to have them, and maybe, there’s nothing wrong with trying to memorize how they felt around you.

But, as everything did, the silence had to come to an end. That was the rule. That was the only thing keeping you grounded right now: the urgency.

You gathered your remaining strength. “I’d still be willing to try,” you whispered into his neck.

There was a brief pause. He nuzzled your neck and breathed your scent in before replying. “But, I won’t be.” There was a slight pain imminent in his voice, albeit a little muffled. “I still love you, I really do. But, it isn’t the same anymore.”

There it was. The words you feared hearing. I don’t love you in the same way anymore. 

All the promises, the 3 am vows, the optimism of more years to come together flooded in your mind. It seemed that they were only words and moments taken by the wind, never to be heard of again. And, yet, you couldn’t blame him. This was how love ended. It wasn’t in a furious fight of who was to blame, who was the victim. It was in the slow admittance that whatever was present before had slowly faded away. It was the realization that he slowly gained pace and left you trailing in his shadow without even looking behind. It wasn’t his fault. It wasn’t yours, either. It was love losing itself to time. 

You were sobbing. You knew, but you were too focused on your thoughts to even pay attention. He was completely quiet, but he didn’t move away from you. He was still engulfing you in his arms, maybe even a bit tighter from before. He rubbed your back as if to comfort you. But, you knew he wasn’t pitying you. You knew he was better than that. He was different. He would always be different. 

“Who was she?” You muttered, calming down a bit. You knew he wouldn’t lie to you. He told you earlier you deserved the truth. The least you could do was have his honesty be your means to come into terms with what was happening right now.

“Her name’s G/N.” His voice didn’t waver. His voice wasn’t small. His voice was firm. His voice was the same voice ingrained in your brain, associated with the warmth of spring and the smell of Oakwood. His voice still sounded like home. And, with this, you knew he wasn’t kidding with his decision. 

He really didn’t want to stay.

“Did you tell her?”

“No.” He didn’t hesitate. “I promised I won’t do this to you. I won’t do this to her, either.”

Sweet. He was always sweet. And considerate. And thoughtful. This was exactly why you hated parting this way; if he had done something horrible to you, it would’ve been easier to let go. But, he did nothing wrong. Falling out of love wasn’t a fault. It simply happened. Amidst everything, he was still who he was.

He was everything you wanted. 

He still was.

Even in this light, with your face nestled on his neck, he was perfect. He was beautiful. You could still see the crinkles near his eyes from his soft yet enthusiastic smiles. His lashes were not the longest, yet they graced his eyes like the first snow of winter. The corners of his lips that you loved to pepper with kisses were still there. He was still there.

But, he wasn’t yours anymore.

“I love you.” It wasn’t a demand to stay. It was your goodbye. It was, “thank you for the time we’ve spent”. It was, “I don’t want to let you go, but I’ll cope”. It was, “I’m not sure when I’ll be over you because you’re perfect and everything I will ever hope for, but I’ll try”. It was, “goodbye. Leave with a piece of my heart with you. Leave before I ask you to stay”. 

“I’m sorry.” He gave your neck a soft kiss, a goodbye, a final greeting before your paths diverge once again. It was finally over. You wouldn’t force him to stay. You wouldn’t keep him for your sake. He deserved everything, and if you weren’t the one he needed, you couldn’t do anything about it. 

This was how love ended. This was how two people, who used to fit, changed. This was how time faded what used to be bright into a dull string of greys and blacks. 

Maybe, someday, you would be thankful for what you both had. But, for now, you weren’t going anywhere. 

dreams

[Timestamp: 01/14/2017]
Did you know
That you have infiltrated
My safe haven, my space
My dreams?

Did you know
How much we’ve done 
How much we’ve sacrificed
How much we’ve spent
Just to be in each other’s arms
In a land which does not exist?

Did you know
The dread of the waters
The toxicity of the last night
The inevitable fate
Of two imaginary characters
In the reality of life?

Did you know
That I told myself
I won’t hope anymore
Over things which cannot be done
Cannot be said
Cannot be felt
Cannot be real?

insecurities

[Timestamp: 03/17/2017] 
I am charismatic,
Friendly,
Amiable,
Everybody’s friend.
But, it seems that
I will only always be
The shoulder to lean on,
The happy cheerleader,
The one who listens.
I will never be
The target of affection,
The one they send quiet letters and hushed confessions to,
The girl who everybody loves.
I’m sorry that I am
Very, very fat,
Not aesthetically pleasing,
Unattractive in all sense of the word,
Unconfident enough to bury my own grave,
Not the type of girl anybody wants,
Unorganized,
Thinks she is very worth it when she knows very well that she isn’t,
And can’t even love herself to the point that she’d be willing to give her meager life away just to do something worthwhile.
I’m sorry I can’t be the type of girl anybody can want.
Sometimes, I’d like to think
Since my body, my face and my personality aren’t what they find “good”,
I might as well just do something good for other people
So that, someday, maybe someone will remember me
By the small differences I wanted to change.
You don’t have to remember what I look like. 
I just hope you remember what I did.